Food is forever! I crave it. I use it. It defines us through culture. I eat it when I'm happy, indulge when I'm sad and allow it to ease my mind when I'm angry. A handful of this, a carton of that, a teaspoon full of sugar and we're on the ground. Feeling the drunken state carbodration.
My food habits are the butter and bread that may kill me. The struggle of pleasure as I eat and the signs of obesity are constantly at war with one another. Trying to undo the 20+ years I've spent with my best friend and love of my life is like snatching the breath out of me when I'm already weak.
There are days when I want to eat and other times when I believe food is my enemy. My body is no longer a temple it is a house where everything is welcome. Honestly if I didn't need food to survive I would starve myself in the mastery of reducing my weight to nothing. The world has me in a uproar constantly seeking beauty in myself that I may never find.
Don't get me wrong I shouldn't complain. I am able bodied. If I put my mind to it I can lose it and eat healthy and workout and guess what I'll be skinny. Maybe even get an endorsement for flat tummy tea. I'll be the epitome of beauty. I won't be the laughing stock of the world. The girl you made fun of. The quiet mouse too ashamed to speak because of her bodily insecurities.
I take up too much space. Boys don't like me cuz I'm overweight. Eat your greens and count your calories and make sure you eat your protein. I overwhelm myself thinking about what my body could be if I could eat healthy consistently. Notebooks are filled with goals of losing weight; 30
Day plans and two days later I'm off the boat. Write your food down it helps. Drink this and take this pill it will be alright.
Everyone was concerned. Parents and grandparents constantly worried about my weight. I remember the day. The day my dad suggested I lose weight and workout. That day I did my first workout tape. Jane Fonda aerobics and I was only in the first grade. I don't blame my dad at that time I didn't know I was overweight but he did. Maybe he was ashamed maybe they all were. There was another time when I was in 1st grade I asked my baby sitter for more top ramen she joking laughed with her friend and said you don't need no more you already and stopped and said I shouldn't say that. But I was hungry.
Your flat tummy tea endorsement is a forgery! You get tummy tucks and stuff that I can't afford. You laser your stretch marks so I can't see them. I'm jealous of a body that is my unequal.
I still walk around ashamed. I give up and find hope and then I walk back to shame and give up again. When shame gives in, I eat my life away. This yo-yoing will never end. I am the perfect blend of rice cakes and gluten free cupcakes; almond milk and Cold
Stone Ice cream. Yep that's me.
Maybe one day I'll be lean and mean and not stumpy frumpy cow. I don't know. Only time will tell. I should accept myself though. There's only one me. There's beauty in the way God created me. I beat myself up everyday. I look at high school pics when I thought I was fat and tell myself man I would love to back.
I know there are people judging me now. Telling me to go to the gym, change your mindset, stop whining and complaining. That's okay too. I hope one day I can be just like you.
No comments:
Post a Comment