Loving me isn't easy

I am strong
I am brave
I am smart
I am beautiful
I am a child of God
I love myself
My husband loves me
My son loves me

I am strong
I am brave
I am smart
I am beautiful
I am a child of God
I love myself
My husband loves me
My son loves me

I am strong
I am brave
I am smart
I am beautiful
I am a child of God
I love myself
My husband loves me
My son loves me

Words I will continue to say in 2018 to myself until I believe them. I have not done a great job speaking positively to myself. I constantly compare myself and I'm hyper aware of my body. Although I am taking steps to changing it, it's not an easy task. But I am worth it.

I am struggling with my past and all that comes with it. I'm praying that I overcome it soon. But I know there are obstacles in the way of redemption. I know Jesus loves me but I'm positive he doesn't love those things I'm still warring with inside that I wish I could take back. The people I let in who I can't seem to get it out. The strangers and the ones I knew like the back of my hand. The heartache and instability of me. I wish it was gone. That I could erase all of the images and focus on myself, husband and my son. That I could relinquish all of the pain I caused myself in the name of LOVE.

I know I know. This will help someone but I'm trying to save myself right now from not vomiting on my own self from my stupidity. I feel so dumb. I don't feel forgiven. I feel like the cluster of lust and the residue of it all is still overtaking me . The bruises I have caused myself cannot be undone. Who says when you get married it all goes away? That's not true. You must work through every step and be ready to say and do things that are hard. To get down to the heart of the matter in order to move forward.

Truthfully, this is why Jesus says abstain until marriage because the scars are plenty when you're just blowing in the wind. Every single person lays dormant in me until you call them out to break those ties and even now I am suffering with the pension of my past. It feels like it haunts me and I want to get out. Memories flow through me and I am sad and angry. Sad I gave it away and angry that the thoughts won't leave me. That intimate moments with my husband turn morbid because of my own desires in a moment. Moments that I can't take but are somehow embedded in my brain.

If I love my husband so much why is the plaguing me you say? Well, I always say that it was never a problem until God cane into my life. That my fight wasn't there until the devil started to fight me. I have this theory that the enemy only fights those who God is moving in. That if the devil already has you he has no need to mess with you. But once you become a new creature in Christ the battle begins. And once I became one with my husband there has been a battle.

I don't know if everyone deals with this but I continue to pray and ask God to release this from me. I'm not sure if it will happen and when it does how it will but I'm moving in truth not in fear knowing that I am forgiven and my husband has forgiven me. I just must forgive myself. And while I want to say I have, I must say the critique is too much to handle and I am losing this battle of self love.