Overwhelming Journey

I felt a sudden rush of heat go through my body. I had just eaten lunch so I didn’t think anything of it. I continued to type at my desk and all of a sudden I felt dizzy. My body heat was rising. I stood up and walked to the office next to me and ask my supervisor if I could take a breather. I went downstairs in the cool air, took some deep breaths and tried to calm myself down but it wasn’t working. I stayed for a little longer to ease my mind. I was freaking out because this had never happened to me. However, there was work that needed to be done. I was getting ready for the Gala at my job and I had no time for this. I went back to the 38^th floor, sat down in my chair turned to my computer and with the strike of a key I felt the rush again.

I felt so conflicted but I was in tears and asked to go home. There was no way I could stay. I had only been at the job for 6 weeks and already I couldn’t perform my duties. So I drove myself home which was an hour and a half drive dizzy. I laid down when I got home. Maybe I was just tired and needed some rest. So I slept and then woke up to my mom and fiancé surrounding me and asked how I was feeling and I was still dizzy. It was the feeling ever. So I slept through the night and when I woke up the next morning my whole world turned upside down. I started shaking and convulsing and it was out of my control.  I was having a seizure. My history of seizures was non-existent. I was scared and I didn’t know what to do. My fiancé was too. I called my family nurse and told her what was happening. She told me to take an aspirin, drink some water and try some caffeine. I got off the phone and my fiancé gave me all of these things that she recommended and took them. I laid down to relax and I had the longest seizure ever. I wouldn’t stop and I couldn’t stop myself. I wasn’t in control. There was nothing I could control.

We rushed to the E.R. I was sitting in the car and began to cry. I was being comforted by my fiancé Devante who was telling me everything would be ok. I was convulsing throughout the car ride to the ER. A few minutes later, he started to call my name and I didn’t respond. I could hear his words but I couldn’t respond. Soon my body lay limp as I say in my seat. I could tell he was freaked out but my whole body was out of control. It was one of the scariest moments on my life. I ‘m sure it was scary for him too.  

When I finally got into the room, I remember Devante holding my hand with tears in his eyes saying that he didn’t want anything to happen to me. I knew he was scared. So was I. They hooked me up to machines and I took millions of test. The doctor came in and asked what I was feeling. One side of my face was completely numb and the other side I just had pain. After all of the test, they found nothing. Absolutely nothing. I left with two prescriptions to help with my numbness. That was it. I was so upset and confused. I was having seizures and I couldn’t control it. You mean to tell me there’s nothing wrong with me? Why didn’t the doctors find anything? I was in disbelief. But before I was released, the nurse on staff asked me a question. A question that I was not ready to be asked or even thought would cause this much havoc in my life. She said, “Has anything significant happened in your life recently?” I replied, “Yes, my dad passed away.” She then let me know that it was possible for me to have pseudo-seizures and that sometimes things like this happen when there are significant changes in your life. Still, I didn’t think anything of it. I mean why in world would my body react that way from my dad passing away?

After leaving the hospital, I felt no relief.  I was confused and disoriented; afraid that it would continue to happen and it did. It happened often. All the time matter a fact. I found myself in the ER again. Only this time, I was going in and out of consciousness. I was driving and all of a sudden I noticed myself closing my eyes at the wheel. I called Devante and said, I think something is wrong and then I stopped talking. Again, I could hear him but I couldn’t respond. He told me to pull over but I was super close to his house so I didn’t want to stop. In fact, we were on our way to counseling appointment in the next 30 minutes. I just stayed on the phone with him and talked to him when I could. When I got to his house, I continued to go in and out of conscious. I would be holding a conversation and suddenly stop and be slumped over. It was terrible. I found myself at the hospital again and the same thing happened.

When I left this time, we had to make a decision about whether or not I should continue to work and that was one of the hardest decisions ever. I was 25 years old. I was getting married in October, I had just quit one job and got a new one working in Seattle and was getting paid way more than ever. I didn’t want to leave but I had no options really. I literally could not function or give the company what it needed. I was also putting myself at risk because it was an hour and half drive from where I lived and I rode the bus. It sucked! I felt worthless. I wasn’t giving anything to the world; I was just taking away from everyone and couldn’t contribute to anything or anyone. I felt like my life came crashing down all in an instant. I was just a burden to anyone and everyone around me. No one should have to take care of me. I was grown. It was the worst feeling ever having to ask for money. Most days, I just sat at home, watched T.V or sat in silence. I could hear secret murmurs from my family and Devante’s family looking down on me. You weakling. Making my son taking care of you. You’re faking it. There’s nothing wrong with you. Suck it up. These kids are so weak these days. We used to be able to handle everything. Those are the words I heard around me. No one ever said them, but it’s what I felt.

Then one day, I just felt like I could no longer take it anymore, I was sitting in my bed alone around 2 in the morning ready to end it all. I could barely sleep nowadays and I just wanted to rest. I was so angry. I was sitting there pondering if life was really worth it. No one would care if I left anyway. I’m just taking away from everyone. I’m on Medicare. I have no job and no purpose. I live with my mom. My family is messed up and so am I. I have no reason to be here. That night, I made the decision to take my life once and for all. So I decided to write.

Here is the letter I began to write

I am sorry I am so weak and that I can no longer be a part of your lives. I can’t handle my life anymore. I think the world may be better without me. I’m not strong enough to be the daughter, granddaughter, sister, wife or mother I need to be. I hope everyone knows I love them and that my intentions aren’t to hurt anyone. But I’m not good enough to be here. I have ruined my life and so many others. I’ve tried my hardest to hold on but I can’t anymore.

            When I wrote the word anymore, I immediately put my pencil down and heard a voice inside of me tell me to stop. You’re not going anywhere. It’s not time for you to go. I just cried and cried until I cried myself to sleep. I didn’t call anyone. No one knew but me and apparently God. I just wanted the pain to go away. This moment, even though it was literally the lowest place of my life, showed me that God was with me. God is always with us. We can feel like the lowest of the low. That we aren’t worth it and God would say you’re okay. I’m with you. I’m in your corner fighting for and with you. You don’t have to leave this way. He has so much in store for us that we don’t even know.

I finally told Devante what happened. I was afraid and didn’t want to disturb him because he was working but he rushed over to see what happened and what was going on. He was the only one I could tell because he was the only one I felt fully supported by. He prayed for me and was concerned for me. And he’s still that today for me. Honestly, I have no idea why Devante stayed. I wasn’t giving anything to him. I felt like I was sucking the life out of him. But, I can say he was the only person I knew I could count on. He took time to understand me more than my family more than anyone. Little did I know this was time that we were creating our own little family. I was learning that I could trust him in bad times and that he wouldn’t just up and leave when it got hard. We weren’t married yet but we were becoming one.  

Now, almost two years later, I am able to give life to someone else. I can’t believe it. It was a surprise for sure and I had times where I was like I don’t know if I can do this but the miracle of it all is that there is more joy in life. Had I ended it then everything then, I would never have the opportunity to actually to live in this moment of producing life. I am nervous as heck about being a mother and all that means but I’m excited and honored that God is allowing me to give life in spite of the fact that I wanted to take mine. The road still isn’t easy. I still have pseudo seizures to this day but I am learning to manage it. I’m so grateful that I am here to tell my story because not everyone was able to make it through.

SPECIAL NOTE: To anyone who is dealing with depression, PTSD, anxiety, or are having suicidal thoughts, I urge you to get help. To talk to someone anyone that you can trust.  I know for a fact that I would not be here if I didn’t go to counseling and find someone that would be there with me with no judgement. I am thankful that the Holy Spirit stopped me. Truth is I could have been gone and I wouldn’t be writing this if I wasn’t getting proper help and hadn’t told my husband. This was so much more than me, bigger than I could handle on my own. We are taught to be strong and let no one help you. But don’t bare these burdens on your own. There is someone who is willing to help you. I rebuke the spirit of self-deprivation for anyone that is speaking death to themselves. You are enough, there are people that love you and want you. Believe.