Cheers to 31

I am never really a person who intends to be celebrated. I’m pretty simple and don’t need much to sustain. When I turned 30 I wanted to go tropical but I didn’t have tropical money. I was a stay at home mom and my husband was the only one working. But you know at 30 it’s supposed to be a huge milestone and the turn up was supposed to be real. But that is t what happened. However, my husband did a surprise party for me with a group of people from church and took me on a trip to a place I’d never been in Washington. It was thoughtful which my husband always is. He even got people to write me little notes of how they viewed me with a pic of me in it. It was so sweet and kind. But if I’m honest I wasn’t happy. I felt like a failure. At 30, I’m supposed to have my life figure out and be making all the money in the world. Have this group of friends and BFF’s to celebrate turning up with me. And none of this happened. I was and still am a stay at home mom feeling lost, isolated, unsure of who I am. Sinking mostly in depression and just wanting to be free from all the things that I couldn’t handle. I lost my dream but most of all I lost myself. I realize now even more then before that my husband can not define my happiness that I needed to define it for myself. And as society and comparison continue to plague me, I’m realizing that it is necessary to find contentment in myself.

As some may know I am on a healing journey. I am currently in therapy and have had some of the hardest conversations with myself and others on this journey. After my dads passing in 2014. My world shifted more than I could handle and began therapy in 2015. But took a break because finances and I had a baby. Now in 2020, I am with a new therapist and within these 3 months I’ve been able to unveil secrets and begin to close chapters that I’ve held on to for 10 years with people from my past. However, the biggest realization was that I didn’t like myself nor did I love myself. Some of it has been because I’ve mostly felt different not black enough, not white enough, not loud enough, not worthy enough, not deserving enough, not pretty enough. 

So I’ve decided to blog about my journey to healing. The messy, the undeniable, the beauty, the ugly. But this open letter to myself is to begin to believe in my beauty both inside and out. To find the truth of me. To be unafraid of expressing who I am inspite of the masses who won’t identify. 

So cheers to 31 year old Antoiniqua who is unlearning to Become all of the things she was designed to be without the guise of others needing to validate me. The Niqua who will continuously be flawed but free.