Weight loss Me

Weight loss me 

So you had a baby and your body is shot to hell now what are you going to do? I thought that if I breast fed my baby I’d lose weight faster cuz that’s what they tell you. If I just maybe eat less but I can’t because I’m usually drained after I feed my baby. I was producing all the milk for him but I felt empty. Trying to find my body again and wondering if I’d ever get it back. Not only was I the nutrition supply for my son but I also had a husband who wanted me too. Sexually yes but intimacy was missing as I was in solitude to my baby. The stranger I was giving everything to and my husband who was mostly understanding but needed me too. I wanted to please my husband but the post partum projections had me scared. What if the pain was more salacious than the pleasure? 

To be honest, I’ve been trying to “lose weight” since forever. I remember, the first man I ever loved told me I needed to workout at the grandiose age of 6. I didn’t quite understand but I found one of my moms Jane Fonda workout tapes and started doing it almost incessantly. He walked in and saw me doing what he had said I should and he said “I didn’t mean right now”. I replied, “that’s ok,” and continued my workout as he walked back to his room. I still remember those leggings and body suits filled with thin white women and some men that I’d never attain. But that memory has been etched in my brain and I’ve tried to become that thin white woman for years. 

Even as I look at my kinder, first and second grade pictures, I don’t see anything wrong with my body but I guess I was wrong because when I was 7 I asked for more ramen from a babysitter. My brother and I had split the pack in half. She told me I didn’t need anymore and that I was big enough. Her friend chuckled and then she began to apologize and said she shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t understand. I was just hungry and wanted more food. My brother didn’t really eat so it was always me bartering for food. 

It wasn’t until 3 years ago I remembered this incidents and it made me sad. It made me question if my quest to a BEACH BODY was all in the name of wanting to be loved by someone who would ultimately abandon me. And I thought maybe if I lost weight he’d love me and come back.

From 3rd to 5th grade it turned into Billy Blanks Tae bo tapes and I became more and more aware of my body being different from everyone else’s. Not only was I bigger, but my boobs were more developed and then I had an epiphany. Those shots I was getting in my thought every 3 months in the 3rd grade was in fact birth control. Talk about HORMONES! I wasnt sure if it was explained to me but this method was used for me because doctors were convinced that I would start my period “too early”. So my family decided it would be best to stop by using this but I’m not too sure this was the plausible choice. I was never out. Right called fat but family members would make comments about my body and weight and what I ate. 

But in 8th grade I played softball and thinned out a lot. It was the smallest Id ever been and I wore a size 10. I was grateful and felt better about myself. It didn’t last forever but it made me feel good. I was a good size but to the rest of the world I was definitely looked at as fat. And I thought I was too. This notion haunted me throughout high school because I wanted boys to like me. I just laugh at myself now and. Think, “GIRL WHY DIDN’T YOU ENJOY YOUR BODY?” It was beautiful. I have countless journals of diet plans to get me to 140. My life was an emotional stance of weight projections. And really it caused me to try and find love in other ways with my body from different people. Low self-worth is MF. 

So here I am now at the heaviest I’ve been in my life, struggling once again to love me AGAIN! 

I do want to lose weight for the sake of my health. I don’t want to be tired from walking up and down my stairs because before now even though the world saw me as fat I was healthy. European standards of beauty are exactly that European. However, I still want to love myself. I want to feel worthy in this body that has been through crazy things in life. I want to hug that little girl who was 6 and say it’s ok your enough I like your body even if it is not slim like the rest of the world and if your hungry eat don’t starve trying to prove yourself. 

For the past 6 weeks I’ve been a part of a program to lose weight and though I haven’t lost a lot of pounds, my body composition has changed. Thank you to Massy for the MA warrior program it’s been incredibly helpful. Though I like my sweets. My journey hasn’t been perfect but I am seeing results. 

So here is to weight loss me. Your body can do hard things and it’s hella beautiful. Just watch the transformation to health through healing. Here’s to trying to find the love in me.